The Dark Side of My Study Abroad Experience

Advisory Warning: If you do not want to read about death, emotional trauma, and depression, please don't continue reading my blog post.

My entire college career I have been wanting to study abroad.  Anyone could tell you that I wanted to go to South Korea for two reasons... I have lived there before and I have family I don't really know. In Korea, family is everything and I planned to spend as much time with them as possible.  To me the Korean culture was always something I was very interested in and influenced by.  When I finally got to South Korea I was so excited that I could barely contain myself.  The first few weeks of school flew by in a heartbeat and I barely had time to catch my breath.  I had made many new friends and was beginning to fit in at school, then it felt like my world stopped and came crashing down within seconds.

September 14

On this day it started out like any other, I woke up, ate breakfast and got ready to spend my time with my family.  It was the last day of the Chuseok holiday and I was going to be spending most of the day with my family and then a few hours with my friends in the evening.  I had been staying at one of my Aunt's house with her and her son, my cousin.  Around 12 pm other members of my family began to arrive, my uncle and his family, and a couple of my other cousins.  We all chose to go to Lotte World together.  This was exciting because Lotte World is a huge amusement park that is located right in Seoul.  It is one of the only amusement parks that is half inside and half outside.  

Here are some of my cousins and I.  

My family and I spent many hours waiting in lines, going on the rides, and eating/ drinking delicious amusement park food.  My uncle constantly was talking to me and was pretty much my best friend.  He learned some English for me so that I would feel welcomed and comfortable with him.  It worked.  I was the closest to him out of all of my family.  I don't get to spend a lot of time with them especially since I didn't know that they existed until I was 13 turning 14 years old.  I missed many years with them and things like this made me feel so welcomed by them as so much closer to them as well.  At around 8 pm we all left the amusement park and went out separate ways.  I had left with my aunt and a few of my cousins, while my uncle and his family went a different way.  I though it was a temporary goodbye, but I didn't realize how wrong I was.  

After spending time with my family I went to go meet my friends and classmates ant Banpo Bridge.  We were all so excited to spend part of the Chuseok holiday together in Seoul. I had seen this bridge before the the past, but during the day time.  Let me tell you something, it is way more impressive and jaw-dropping at night.  There is a light show that goes on every night and I find it very difficult to not get mesmerized my the moving fountains and glittering lights.  We ate street food off of food trucks and I am not going to lie, it was AMAZING.  Who knew street food chicken would be so good? I went home to my aunt's house super late, but went to bed super happy.

September 15

At around 3 am I was awoken by the sound of a phone ringing.  I woke up my aunt who answered her phone.  Almost immediately I jumped out of the safety of my blanket because I could here screaming on the other end of the line.  I knew is was one of my uncles daughters just by her voice.  I didn't understand much, but I could see the panic in my aunt's and cousin's face and chose not to ask questions and just get up and dressed as quickly as possible.  All I got over the conversation was that something bad had happened to my uncle.  What my cousin managed to explain to me was that he had a "heart attack."  Before heading to the hospital we stopped by another aunt's apartment building to pick her and her husband up.  The entire car ride to the hospital was tense.  There was crying and praying and a lot of fear.  I didn't have to know how to speak Korean for me to understand what was going though everyone's mind.  I sat in the back quietly crying and praying to myself that my uncle was fine and safe.  

Getting to the hospital, everything seemed to go in slow motion for me.  I was mentally begging for nothing to have happened and for everything to be alright.  We all walked into the ER and my aunts talked to the people at the front desk looking for my uncle.  They exchanged some words and instantly, both my aunts were one the ground howling, screaming, crying.  Have you ever watched a Korean drama where someone would be loudly shouting and screaming?  Well, if you have..... multiply that by 1,000.  If you haven't....... imagine the more horrifying, painful and gut wrenching sound you could ever think a person could make.  That is what I heard and experienced.  I will never be able to unhear it.  None of the information sunk in until we walked out of the ER and into the morgue/funeral home.  I remember seeing the name of the building in English and just dropping to my knees in the middle of the parking lot.  It was sinking in and it was hitting me like a bus.  My family went into the hall, but I didn't really go in.  I was afraid of the situation.  I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I was frantic, in the middle of panicking and trying to keep my sanity and composure.  I kept trying to call my mom even though it was 4 am to tell her that her beloved brother had died.

The whole rest of the day was a mess.  I remember going hiding outside the morgue for almost an hour trying to be a strong as possible.  Mom mom had told me when she did pic up was that I had to be the one that everyone can lean on.  I could not get super emotional.  My mother also would be arriving in Korea with my brother the next day.  I needed to be as strong as possible until she got there.  So that is what I did.  I went through the rest of the day with tears burning my eyes, but I tried super hard not to burst into tears.  What came next was just as horrifying.  I went to my aunts house again with some of my other cousins.  My 5th aunt came in with her three kids.  2 older female cousins and one younger male cousin.  This is where my uncle's kids came over.  They had no idea what had happened other than their dad went to the hospital.  I had to help explain to them that their father had passed away.  This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I had to explain to a 15, 14, and 10 year old that their father was gone.  Yet again I had to hear the screaming that is permanently ingrained in the back of my mind.  All three children were in horror and tears, but the middle child had it the worst.  September 15th was her birthday.  In honesty, nobody was okay.  I wasn't okay.  After letting everyone cry, we went to meet my aunts and uncle's wife at the funeral home.  It was walking distance from the house and to be honest it was made me feel super uncomfortable.  As soon as we got there work had already started.  The wake for my uncle was under construction.  The flowers and photos came in as well as all of the decorations.  It was amazing how quickly the news of his passing went out because there were already so many flower bouquets and banners.  The black hanboks (traditional Korean clothes) also came in for everyone to wear.  Food was being prepared for the people that come to pay their respects as well.  All this was going on and it was only 9 am.

The whole rest of the day consisted in my entire family coming in and paying their respects.  Most of us stayed there throughout the day and late into the night.  Friends, other relatives, and co-workers came in to see and pay respects to my uncle.  With every one of my aunts that came in to the wake and seeing them breaking down into crying and screaming broke my soul little by little.  Since I was also the only foreigner (I do not look Korean enough to just blend in) people would ask who I was and I constantly had to explain that I am the daughter of my uncles only younger sister.  Most people in my families circle have only heard about me and my direct family, but never met me.  This also meant I had to stay strong and attempt to have a conversation with someone I didn't know and explain who I was in relation to my uncle.  Let's just say that I did not sleep or eat throughout day 1.  Any time I tried to sleep I was get woken up by the sound of screaming and every time I tried to eat, it would come right back up.  Not a fun day.  It wasn't till around 2 am that I was told to go back to my aunt's house and sleep.  I was also told to take the younger kids back with me.  Usually during a Korean funeral, you stay at the home for the 3 day funeral process, but I wasn't going to fight them on it.  I realized why they told me this, I hadn't looked in a mirror all day and when I did I was mortified.  I looked like my face had just sunk in.  I had extremely red eyes, my eye circles were very dark, and I just looked really pale.  I almost looked as if I had died.

September 16

This was a day I could never forget.  I was extremely unstable on this day.  On day two my cousins and I walked back to the funeral home from my aunts apartment around 7 am.  I didn't change, didn't have any other black clothes; didn't comb my hair..... nothing mattered to me.  I did not sleep more than 2 hours before I was up and doing anything to keep myself distracted.  I was anxious and wished that my mother could have been there sooner.  In Korean tradition, Day 2 is when the body of the passed is presented to the family and wrapped up in traditional clothes and cloth before being placed in a simple wooden coffin and tied in a traditional manner.  I was absolutely horrified when I heard this.  At fist I wanted nothing to do with this part of the funeral, I originally his in a back room to try and avoid it, but when the next round of screaming started; I broke.  I immediately went out to see my uncle and what was going on.  I was trying so hard to be the stable person for my aunts and cousins, but it was extremely difficult.  I completely broke when my uncles face was revealed.  He was lying there on a table and he looked as if he was sleeping.  At that point I could care less about trying to be strong.  I broke down.  I remember falling on the floor crying and I did in fact scream.  I didn't think that I would be able to make that sound ever in my life.  I just kept going for who knows how long.  I remember actually having to be pulled from the room and I was devastated.  It really sunk in that my uncle was gone in this moment.  After I regained my sanity, I became the rock everyone else needed.  To keep my nerves calmed I listens to music.  This was also another day I just could not eat.  My stomach would just automatically reject it.  It was fine..... I wasn't hungry anyway.  

I finally got a mental break from the funeral when I went to go pick up my mother and brother from the airport.  This was around 7:30 pm.  I made it to the airport around 9 pm.  My mom's flight was suppose to get it at 9:15 pm.  I was anxious, nervous and about ready to burst.  I was pacing back and forth in the airport looking like a nervous wreck.  I needed my mom to be there, I needed to hear her tell me that everything was alright because I could't believe it if I told myself.  As I was waiting there were a lot of people with these big cameras ready to snap a picture.  Knowing Korea, I wondered who was coming out of the international claim?  My answer soon showed up as NCT (VERY popular K-pop group domestically and internationally) walked out.  The cameras began to flash uncontrollably and as soon as the idols left, so did the cameras.  It was a very unique experience, but I really could't have cared less at the moment.  I soon saw my mom and everything stopped. I though I would run to her and hug her, but that didn't happen.  I had fallen to the ground and started crying.  I though my mom would be upset for causing a small scene, but she just kneeled down beside me and embraced me for a little while.  I was relieved, upset, angry, in pain, etc.  I must have looked like an absolute disaster.  My brother who is 13 even tried to console me, but he wasn't 100% sure about what was going on.  Even the whole train ride back to my aunts house was my mother trying to keep me calm.  I was not ready to continue on to day 3.  When family saw my mom and brother, everyone broke down again.  Now everyone was together.  I finally was able to sleep a whole 5 hours that night.  

September 17

Day 3 was the last day of the Korean Funeral procession.  This was also the shortest day there was.  On this day we were going to place my uncle in his final resting place.  I just wasn't ready.  This was the day we cleaned up the funeral home and wake so that we could transport my uncle.  The family went into a procession to the bus with my uncle's body.  During the bus ride we grove to where my uncle worked.  He ran his own business, so he also had his own building.  It was amazing to see, but very saddening.  My uncles wife and my aunts could not function at all.  They stayed in there for a very long time.  The next place we went to was a restaurant close to my uncle's final resting place.  Here is where I was very close to being sick and refused to eat again.  I felt bad because my family was extremely worried about me for not eating in 3 days, but I really couldn't help it even if I tried.  The next place the bus took us was to a cremation home.  This is somewhere I absolutely refused to go.  They were going to have us watch the cremation process of my uncle.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't even imagine doing that  I didn't want to see my uncle's coffin being placed into a furnace that was going to turn him into nothing but ash.  I may be 20 years old, but that was too much.  I was allowed to stay in the bus and my brother stayed with me.  It was simpler that way and I wasn't alone.  This gave me some real time away from my Korean family to calm down and figure out what comes next.  It wasn't long before my family returned back to the bus with my uncle's eldest daughter holding the urn.  It was like being heart-broken all over again.  Everyone was tired and exhausted, the entire bus ride to the final resting place was dead silent.  

The funeral home my uncle's urn was placed at was in the mountains, but it was beautiful.  There was a blue sky and the grass was green.  The inside was just a beautiful.  Red carpet with marble while floors and pillars.  It looked as if it was fit for a king.  By this point I was still extremely stressed, but seeing this place made me feel just a bit better.  The family performed a Jae-sa (formal ritual for respecting the dead in Korea) and we all got to say our final goodbye.  I began to cry all over again.  I was too afraid to go say goodbye with everyone watching.  I did not want to look weak to my family.  Once my uncle was placed into the wall everyone began to leave and head back to the bus.  I stayed behind in the room and sat right by where my uncle was.  I pretty much waited until everyone had left before I broke down.  I let out some of what I had been holding in for 3 days.  I was heart-broken.  I talked to my uncle as if he was listening to me, but all I could say was that I was so sorry and I missed him.  I did;t even know one of my older male cousin had walked in.  He was there to take me to the bus.  I took one final look and then walked out of the room.  The entire bus ride back to Seoul was silent.  It took 3 hours and I had fallen asleep.  Once returning back to Seoul, I had to return back to school in Asan.  I didn't want too, but I needed too.  I was able to say goodbye to my family and my mother.  The whole trip back to school was stressful and quiet.  I cried once I got back to the dorm.  

Present...... 

I wrote this blog post because this was how I began to heal and function after my uncle's passing.  It was also a way to give someone insight on some of the Korean cultures.  Slowly since September I have been writing this.  I just would have to stop every few sentences because I would get emotional and throw this off to the side.  Now I am finally finished on December 16th, 2019.  

This is the last photo I have with my uncle at Soonchunhyang Global Village.
August 26th, 2019

My uncle passed September 15th, 2019 and I will never be able to forget it.  He passed the last day of the Chuseok holiday and on his youngest daughters birthday.  A day that was meant to spent happy times with your family was turned into misery.  He passed less than 8 hours after I saw him at the amusement park.  After returning back from the funeral I had to go right back into my classes, but I could not function for around 2 weeks afterwards.  I shut everyone out.  I didn't talk to my friends and I barely took part in class.  I spent most of my time sleeping, crying or just staring out the window.  I didn't eat for about another 8 days after I returned back to school.  I was grieving and angry at the world.  The world took someone so important and precious to me when I was there to be a part of his life.  I was angry that I went to go be with friends when I thought I should have spent more time with my uncle.  I blamed myself for everything.... I still blame myself for a lot.  I should have done this, I shouldn't have done this...... It is a vicious cycle.  At one point I had wished I could have take my uncles place.  I was miserable and I still am, just slowly getting better.  In all honesty, this experience has scarred me and I am actually afraid to have any sort of contact with my Korean family.  I don't know what I would say to them.  I am going to work on that now that I can speak more Korean.

I am so happy my friends here have been here for me this whole semester.  There is no sort of counselor here, but they have tried to help me all they could trough out the semester whether I was crying in the corner or someone would mention Korean funerals (which was oddly a lot).......  They helped force me to eat again and begin to take care of myself.  What they did could have been as small as taking me out to go get food or just sitting there and talking to me.  They were there to help me put my life back on track and focus on school.  I am not sure what I would have done without them in my life.  My semester has been such an emotional roller coaster, but it was an experience.

These people were my rock.